And ice-rich seas plump blue-steamed threads,
The pale-horned peaks reap themselves asunder,
The raven force of diamond quarks scallop into wonder.
Interwoven waves fray the senseless bare,
Silver strands loot a saluted lair,
The diametric dew of saints lapis-hewn,
Turquoise coils glaze over in tune.
Snow-flaked dunes sweep ripe-less mist
Into panoramic veins of time-churned bliss,
Star-vapored canopy of tempo-tasseled rhapsody,
The ghost song of atoms unchained.
Your command of language is stunning, Gabriella! I like how in your poems you zero in on one picture, one barely audible motion, and use gentle but powerful, underused vocabulary that makes music and brings imagery to life: "the cosmic force of diamond quarks scallop into wonder," "the diametric dew of saints lapis-hewn," "star-vapored canopy of tempo-tasseled rhapsody"...I found the end rhymes to be very effective: the opposite of unsophisticated or cliched, yet fitted as perfectly as a nursery rhyme. They add more music to this already melodically pleasing piece, and contribute to this beautiful, symmetrical image.
ReplyDelete"The ghost song of atoms, unchained" is a really cool way to describe the joyful yet slightly haunting chaos of nighttime (i think?) -- any way to restructure that line to help it rhyme better? Maybe its purpose is to stand apart, but it feels a bit abrupt after the masterful word choices preceding it.
This poem is incredibly musical and vivid—every line so full of beautiful sounds and images. It’s a poem where the sounds are at least as important as the images.
ReplyDeleteIt’s full of internal music—end rhymes, but also so full of consonance, assonance, and alliteration—especially the line “"silver strands loot a saluted lair."
Something seemed off about "pale horned peaks TO keep itself asunder"--it feels like it should be preceded by a verb which doesn't exist.
I love the description “ghost song of atoms, unchained”—to me it represented the idea that what you are trying to describe in the whole poem isn't really something that can be concretized with a coherent image--it is a "ghost song" of the underlying particles of all of existence...the background music of the world—which is why it’s especially important for the poem to sound musical.
I liked that the last line didn't rhyme--it seemed that the last line was reflective of the whole piece; whereas end rhymes link the line to the previous line, this was, to me, a summary of the whole.
As always you are a master painter in poetic terms and you're righting always feels like it flows over me like the silk you mentioned in your opening line. My main comment on this poem is that it feels incredibly adjective-heavy which, as much as it helps build your scene, feels like in the end it bogs it down and makes it difficult to make out what the poem is actually about. I am always amazed with your skill and vocabulary, and you do not disappoint.
ReplyDeleteI sent my comments for this one to you via email this time.
ReplyDeleteWow...just wow. I definitely had to grab my dictionary for this one..
ReplyDeleteI love your vivid imagery and rich descriptions.. you have a brilliantly creative and unique mind and you really captivate the reader..
My only comment would be, as previously mentioned, the heavy use of adjectives...it was hard for me to keep focus on what the poem was about because my mind was being pulled in to all the descriptions and scenes being painted here...
I am impressed with the rhymes that are going on in this poem, as they are anything but basic and standard..
Great great job!
Your descriptive language is great throughout, however the imagery building up into a story is hard to see. I would write more describing the scenario. Otherwise, great poem!
ReplyDeleteUpdated on March 7, 2018.
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