Sunlight filters in through dusty blinds,
Dances on a China-blue vase, brimming with edelweiss,
Overshadowing my Bill of Rights homework, abandoned
On the dark-veined table.
My grandmother shuffles in, her gaze
Traces cotton-coated petals. Her eyes,
Envelop me, same gray-blue as mine,
And I fold in -
To a Carpathian valley of sweet gale and rolling pine,
Whistling to the barred warbler’s tale, gray-blue eyes
Of a man, plucking clusters of edelweiss
For his wife to fluff in a China-blue vase -
Beside my homework, on the dark-veined table,
My grandmother rests a yahrzeit candle
For those who had no Bill of Rights,
Her lips pressed white, edel-white.
I find this poem so beautiful. Just overall gorgeous. The imagery if very poignant and clear and the message is sincere. My only comment is that there are a few lines that just feel a little boney; a bit awkward. Mainly the line ",which i ignore;" it clearly is significant but it kind of brought me out of the scene and i had to draw myself back in. In general though, its phenomenal
ReplyDeleteI think the beauty of this poem is the simplicity. It's really taking place in about 5 seconds, but you set up a nice picture in just a few lines. My concern is the ambiguity about the grandmother. You reference a bunch of things that I have never heard of, so it was kind of unclear what exactly the flower reminds her of. I got the general gist, but it was still ambiguous. Lastly, I really like how you ended the poem - lips pressed edel-white. It was a good idea to end with this image, I think.
ReplyDeleteThe placement of "And I fold in- To a Carpathian valley..." makes for masterful story telling, pulling the reader into this time warp with a real tactile quality to this valley, man, wife, and flowers described. I found the play on "Bill of Rights" and "edelweiss" an interesting and effective use of consonance, linking two objects that might be assumed to have nothing in common. Maybe a little more about those who had no Bill of Rights; it comes in a little abruptly.
ReplyDeleteI actually understand this poem, which I hope doesn't mean to you that it's overly simplistic or anything.
ReplyDeleteIt's really beautiful- chizki ve'imtzi!
You are a brilliant writer and it took me a few reads to secure a good grasp. While I don't understand all the references, you made, I feel a sentimental feelings when I read this poem. My favorite is the first stanza I love the descriptive language being used there. Well done!
ReplyDeleteComments provided orally after class.
ReplyDeleteI really like the imagery and the descriptive language throughout your poem!! Maybe take out some of the Yiddish words and replace them with English language-- poetry doesn't have to directly let the reader know what so and so is.. Otherwise, a wonderful poem!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the beauty and specificity of the descriptions in this poem. Each line was clearly very carefully crafted. I especially enjoyed the sounds of the line "Whistling to the barred warbler’s tale"--lots of nice consonance going on. I liked the way the edelweiss linked the stanzas and scenes together just by subtly being there.
ReplyDeleteI would be cautious about recycling imagery, though (which I realize is hypocritical of me). We've already seen the homework and the dark-veined table, so the imagery feels a bit tired when it reappears in the final stanza. In contrast, I really loved the "edelweiss" to "edel-white" transition in the end; there, you take a word that has linked to a particular image which persisted throughout the poem, and, through the slightest word-play, somehow make it entirely new--a strong note to end on.
I'm also not sure about the line "for those who had no Bill of Rights"--it somehow feels to direct and too intentionally symbolic at the same time, and out of character with the lyrical quality of the rest of the poem. The edelweiss is--not a symbol, per se, but a strong image image which persists throughout the poem and links different times and places in such a natural and subtle manner, that it feels a bit heavy-handed for it to be competing for space with the Bill of Rights hw (not that I have anything against the Bill of Rights).
(To echo "Searcher,"--shkoiach!)